Friday, 11 May 2012

Mother's Day For Women Who Would Desperately Love To Be Mothers.

My home for the last month of my pregnancy with Elly.

    I had today's blog all written in my head.  I was going to talk about being asked to participate in the "Circle of Mom's" Top 25 blogs about Multiples contest.  I was going to bemoan falling from the number 7 position to the number 10 position.  I was going to ask everyone to go to the bottom of this blog and click the pink icon,  I mean it only takes a second to vote for me.  It all seems very trivial after reading an article written in the Globe and Mail, written by a childhood friend.

    Infertility is something I have only sort of dealt with.  It was when I was 36, and traditionally that is not a woman's most fertile time.  After we lost Gabe, 3 kids just did not feel right.  In no way did we want to replace "him", we wanted "4".  It took us over a year of trying.  I had given up.  I thought "I'm too old.  The universe is telling me to be thankful for what I have."  When we stopped trying was when I became pregnant.  I learned a valuable lesson, for me, pregnancy was easier when I was younger.  My pregnancy with Elly nearly killed me, both figuratively and literally.  I found out early on that I had placenta previa.  In layman's terms, the placenta had attached itself over top of my cervix.  I was not worried I had had that in every pregnancy.  It always made it's way up, but not this time.  I went to see my OB at 29 weeks and he told me to pack a bag and get checked into the hospital.  "WHAT!!!!!"  "Your placenta previa has not corrected itself and if you went into labour early, you and the baby would bleed to death before you made it to the hospital."  He may as well have hit me in the head with a chair.  "I have 3 kids at home, I can't just pack up.  There are things I need to put into place for them.  Besides I never go early, never."  He shook his head and looked at me like I was crazy. "You could bleed to death!"  " I need two weeks, I'm not coming in before two weeks."  I cried all the way home.  I was completely overcome.  Christopher had come to the appointment with me, and was very worried. "I already cheated death, it can't happen." I told him irrationally.  I couldn't abandon my kids.  Things had to be put into place in my absence.  Christopher took a unpaid leave of absence from work for a month.  I called my hair dresser and arranged for my girls to come and see him before school (I didn't trust Christopher to not send them to school looking like homeless kids).  I caught up on all of my wash, and then looked out a month's worth of clothing for my kids.  I bought 100 Lunchables.  I stocked the cupboard and fridge.  Washed all of the babies clothes.  Set all of the babies things up.  Bought baby supplies.  After I felt like everything was in place, only then did I go to the hospital.
   When Christopher and the kids dropped me off, the kids cried.  They cried all the way down the hall, and clung to me at the elevators begging me not to stay.  My first night I shared a room with a new mom who's baby cried all night, and her husband who just had to spend the first night with her sleeping in a chair, snored all night.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  The next day my wonderful OB got me a private room.  I decided then and there to make the best of this situation.  "It's the same as my dorm at university, and university was the best time of my life!"  True to my word, I made the best of it.  I befriended another "lifer" (that's what we called ourselves), and the nurses.  I decorated my room with pictures of the kids, and art that the kids had made me.  I made a craft area (which everyone who came into my room thought was hilarious). I watched all of the Gilmor Girls series, and all the first season of "Sex in the City", and any other series people were kind enough to lend me.
    While I was there for that month I spoke to poor exhausted mother's who's babies were very ill.  Women who had very premature babies.  Women who were driven solely by the love of their babies.  You would see them come from the Nick Unit sobbing.  My month was a truly eye opening experience.  When I was 37 weeks pregnant I had a c-section.  Elly was a beautiful healthy 8 pound baby, I was VERY thankful.
    Now back to my childhood friend.  Mother's Day is Sunday, that must be a tough holiday for her and other's like her.  I think about how dear my children are to me, even on the days I would like to leave them out front for the gypsies to pick up.  I think about how much I miss my Gabe, and how 9 years were just not enough.  I also think that if given 9 years or never having the opportunity to know him, I would pick the heart ache of 9 years.  I guess motherhood is something that many of us, myself included take for granted.  The ability to give life is so easy to some who should not be given that gift, and yet so difficult for some who would make amazing mothers.  So this Mother's Day I will be thinking about the women out there who would desperately give anything for the honour of motherhood.


  1. lovely and sad at the same time ,Proud to be your Mom.You have and always have had a gift for writing keep up thr good work

  2. I just got off of hospital bed rest, followed by the birth of our second son. (we are all doing fine now) But I can totally relate with leaving the kids behind. My water broke in the middle of the night, and I left my 19 month old with Grandma and headed to the hospital. I missed him so much and I cried everyday thinking about him. It still is hard to think about. I am just grateful I am now home again. It's nice to hear I'm not the only mommy that had a broken heart leaving the kiddos behind.

    1. It's tough to juggle the baby that's on the inside, with the one's on the outside. I'm so glad to hear that you are all doing well, what a scary time.