Sunday, 23 September 2012

Tales of A Not So Talented Domestic Goddess.

    You may notice that I never refer to myself as a "housewife".  There is a reason for that, I'm honest.  I am a terrible housekeeper (just ask anyone who has ever been to my house).  It goes beyond messy.  I like to watch "Hoarders" because it makes me feel better about my housekeeping skills, or lack there of.  I have a list of excuses the length of my arm for reasons that I "can't" clean.  Some of them are really good, and the odd one is actually believable!
    I hate that panicked feeling when someone calls to say that they are dropping over.  It is at that point that I see the house the way it truly looks.  Ordinarily I will look around and see it as "messy", I become immune to the actuality of it.  The waves of dirty panic come over me when I "have" to clean.  Cold sweat, dripping down my back, my eyes huge and crazed, oh it's not good.  I begin frantically grabbing items and throwing them into my bedroom.  God help the kids if they get in my way.  By the time I am done my bedroom is more like a hazardous waste site, and opening the door comes at a risk.  I begin pacing like a wild animal, trying to see the house the way others might see it.  I then realize that I am playing a loosing game.  As I am cleaning (well cleaning is not really the word I would use, it's more like re-distributing) I am coming up with my lists of reasons why the house looks like it does.  I can get pretty creative.
    I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person (some might argue with me about this one).  If every time you opened your front door you got hit in the face with a mallet, might you not start using your back door?  Not me, every time I would be surprised that I got hit in face with the mallet.  I make myself a promise that I will never be so humiliated again, I will be proactive and keep the house clean.  I concoct elaborate plans as to how I will achieve that.  I put more time into my elaborate plans than I do into the cleaning, and ...humiliation!
    Do you think that a club exists for dirty pigs?  If not, maybe I could put one together, I could plan meetings and make fancy badges, come up with a cool hand shake... all the while putting off doing my housework, yes this could work.


  1. I think there are a lot more of us 'non-cleaners' than we think - women and men of the realistic universe unite! I am trying not to feel 'bad' that my house does not look like 'Canadian homes' stage set, and just enjoy when people come over, and take comfort that maybe they are relieved that their house isn't such a mess, just look at this one :)

  2. I always blamed it on the kids, the farm work, the dogs,, then that was all gone.. and the messy is still around. I"m thinking we do need a club.

  3. ahhhh life's too short to clean....continue drinking....