This year I resolved to be kind to me. This resolution has been so much easier to keep than I ever thought it to be possible.
Part of my resolution was to be more mindful of how I am treating this body of mine. This body is a thing of beauty. It was designed to do amazing things, and I have not been treating it like the sacred thing that it is. I have been being very unkind to it, taking it for granted. I have mistaken self love, with self indulgence (only where junky, crappy, food is concerned). To me I deprived myself of everything that would make me feel good about myself, and substituted chocolate and cola. I ate without thought, never truly taking the time to enjoy what I ate. When I take a step back and look at it objectively I realize that it was self abuse. I did not feel worthy... that has changed.
I have been reluctant to share my mindful eating part of my resolution. It seems ridiculous because there is very little I am reluctant to share. This felt like a little secret, it gave me room for failure, and no one would ever know but me. I have decided that I will not fail, and even if I put on the little bit of weight that I have succeeded in loosing, it is still not a failure. Failure isn't not succeeding, failure is never trying. I am trying to be kind to me, I am trying to improve my life, how could that ever be a failure? How could being kind to myself be anything BUT a success?
I have been counting calories. I am depriving myself of nothing, I'm just using moderation. By counting calories I have come to realize just how mindless my eating was. I was never one to gorge on my food. I would never eat three hamburger meals at a fast food chain. As a matter of fact, much to my husband's delight, I was rarely able to finish my meals when we would go out (he loves this because it means he gets to eat my leftovers). I just never thought about what I ate. My big weakness, my self love was drinking cola. I would easily drink four in a day. Drinking an ice cold cola to me was self love. I have now come to see that each can of cola is worth 160 calories. That is 640 calories on drinks, not food. I now look forward to drinking my "one" glass of cola after I have put the kids into bed. It is now a real treat. I have worked those calories into my daily amount.
Almost more important than watching what I am eating, I have been treating myself with kindness. Every year my hands and feet crack and bleed. Every year I am in pain with them, often having to wear bandages on my feet to stop them bleeding through my socks. This year I have begun a nightly ritual. Before bed I sand my heals and apply beautiful Body Shop cream onto them. I then put on socks. I realize this is not rocket science. I also realize that many women do this for themselves all the time. This to me is self love. Normally I would never spend that much money on such a product, I would just suffer. I now rub intensive almond hand cream into my hands, again from The Body Shop. I also have started using the body butter on my dry itching skin. This has been a significant investment in myself, one that normally I would NEVER make. I've decided that I'm worth that!
To many of you reading this you may now be shaking your head. You may be wondering how this idiot (this idiot being me) could be so excited about taking care of herself. To many of you, you may be shaking your head, but for a different reason. I suspect that there are a lot of us martyr Moms out there. We think that to take care of ourselves is to deprive our children. I am finding that my once firmly held theory has been shattered. By taking care of myself I am not taking away from my kids, I am giving to them. I am showing my daughters a good female role model. I am more patient, because I am more calm, less angry. It is amazing how self abuse makes you angry with not just yourself.
I realize that today is only January 23, and that I have only been succeeding for 23 days in my resolution. To me 23 days is the longest I have ever held onto a New Year's Resolution. I also know that I am feeling better about myself than I have felt in years, why would I give up on that?