Tales of A Not So Talented Domestic Goddess.

    You may notice that I never refer to myself as a "housewife".  There is a reason for that, I'm honest.  I am a terrible housekeeper (just ask anyone who has ever been to my house).  It goes beyond messy.  I like to watch "Hoarders" because it makes me feel better about my housekeeping skills, or lack there of.  I have a list of excuses the length of my arm for reasons that I "can't" clean.  Some of them are really good, and the odd one is actually believable!
    I hate that panicked feeling when someone calls to say that they are dropping over.  It is at that point that I see the house the way it truly looks.  Ordinarily I will look around and see it as "messy", I become immune to the actuality of it.  The waves of dirty panic come over me when I "have" to clean.  Cold sweat, dripping down my back, my eyes huge and crazed, oh it's not good.  I begin frantically grabbing items and throwing them into my bedroom.  God help the kids if they get in my way.  By the time I am done my bedroom is more like a hazardous waste site, and opening the door comes at a risk.  I begin pacing like a wild animal, trying to see the house the way others might see it.  I then realize that I am playing a loosing game.  As I am cleaning (well cleaning is not really the word I would use, it's more like re-distributing) I am coming up with my lists of reasons why the house looks like it does.  I can get pretty creative.
    I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person (some might argue with me about this one).  If every time you opened your front door you got hit in the face with a mallet, might you not start using your back door?  Not me, every time I would be surprised that I got hit in face with the mallet.  I make myself a promise that I will never be so humiliated again, I will be proactive and keep the house clean.  I concoct elaborate plans as to how I will achieve that.  I put more time into my elaborate plans than I do into the cleaning, and ...humiliation!
    Do you think that a club exists for dirty pigs?  If not, maybe I could put one together, I could plan meetings and make fancy badges, come up with a cool hand shake... all the while putting off doing my housework, yes this could work.